Category Archives: Wanderings, Humor

My friend from Belfast :)

thumb_saint_patricks_day_Four_Leaf_Clover_13I met up with an acquaintance, today, who started discussing languages with me.

“How many do you speak?” he asked.

“Five”, I replied, “English, French, and three Indian languages”.

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“Well,” he said, “everyone in Ireland speaks three languages.”

“Wow,” I said, “which ones?”

He replied, tongue in cheek, “English, sarcasm, and profanity.

And sometimes, all in the same sentence.”

I’m still laughing… 🙂

 

How Accountants think ;)

After Engineers in an earlier post, it’s the turn of Accountants now :)!

* An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.” “Why does that parrot cost so much?” asks the accountant. “Well,” replies the owner, “it knows how to do complex audits.” “How much does the middle parrot cost?” asks the accountant. “That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts”. The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?” To which the owner replies “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”

* What is an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had, in a way you don’t understand, at a price you can’t afford.

* An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a tramp. ‘Spare some loose change?’ asks the tramp.

‘And why should I do that?’ asks the accountant.

‘Because I’m skint. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,’ says the tramp.

‘I see,’ says the accountant. ‘And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?’

🙂 🙂 🙂

How Engineers think ;)

* To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

*A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor added, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen  such inept golf!”

keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

keeper replied, “Oh,  yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!”

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here’s anything she can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

* Three men were sentenced to be executed by guillotine: a priest, a doctor, and an engineer.

First came the priest and he asked that he be allowed to face upwards so he could look at Heaven and his Creator. His wish was granted and the blade fell, but stopped 1/2 inch from his neck. the executioner said since the guillotine spared him, so was his life, and he was allowed to leave.

Then came the doctor, and he too requested that he be allowed to face upwards. Again the guillotine stopped just short, and his life too was spared.

The engineer was last and he too asked to face upwards given what happened with the first two. As he lay there, he looked up at the mechanism and said, “Aha, I see where the problem is!”

Good ones, I thought, when a friend sent me these :)! Watch out other professions…I’m going to be on a lookout for jokes on everyone ;)!

 

Hahahaha :)))

Hi Folks,

As you know, ‘C’est la vie’ is the category here for ‘clean jokes’ :), but I admit good clean jokes aren’t easy to find, mostly because the adult sense of humor has been spoiled, mostly expecting innuendos and sleazy references ;)!

An old friend sent me this one today, from the wild, wild west, and it made me Laugh Out Loud :)))! Sharing it here:

16436062-smiling-cartoon-cowboy-isolated-on-whiteShe walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. As the old woman prospector stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger* stepped out of the saloon… with a gun in one hand and a whiskey bottle in the other… He looked at the old woman, laughed and said: “Hey, old lady, have you ever danced?”

She looked up at him and said: “No, I never did… I never wanted to!”

A crowd had gathered as the old gunslinger grinned and said: “Well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now!”…and he started shooting at the woman’s feet. Not wanting her toes to be blown off, the old woman prospector started hopping around, jumping from one foot to another. Everybody was laughing; the gunslinger was laughing too, and holstered his gun only after all the bullets were fired. Still laughing, he turned to go back into the saloon…

The old woman prospector turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sound too, and turned around v-e-r-y slowly. The silence was almost deafening!

The crowd watched breathlessly as the gunslinger stared at the old woman, and the large gaping holes of the twin barrels. The shotgun never wavered in the hands of the old woman as she said, quietly: “Son, have you ever licked a mule’s butt?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard, and said: “No, ma’am… but… I’ve always wanted to!” LOLOLOL

The moral of the story 😉 :

* Never be arrogant

* Don’t waste ammunition

* Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are

* Always, always make sure you know who has the power

I LOVE STORIES WITH HAPPY ENDINGS… DON’T YOU ;)?

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I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did! 😉

* Someone carrying a gun…mostly used for cowboys

OH CANADA :)

Here’re are bunch of really funny ‘posters’ I found on Facebook, thanks to the VirginRadio 96 website http://bit.ly/virginradio96Y. They hilariously depict Canada’s obsession with hockey. Enjoy! 🙂

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CONGRATULATIONS on the Hockey Gold :)! Congratulations to the Canadian Olympic team, and ALL the athletes who represented Canada! Woot woot!

 

So much wisdom in this

imagesI just came across this quote by transformational author Wayne Dyer: “Heaven on Earth is a choice to be made; not a place to find.”

I know too many people running from place to place, pillar to post, looking for that perfect place which will bring them ultimate peace and happiness. Few realize that this place exists ‘within us’, often between our two ears :)… and THIS heaven, nothing and no one can take away from us. And never forget, it’s the simple and the little things in life, that really count… I hope the accompanying picture tells you something ;)!

Make the time, take the time, to ‘discover’ this place/space/state, or you will keep running all your life, trying to run away, from yourself 😉

 

Money, money, money

Most of us have a very hypocritical attitude to money. Most people feel very torn by statements such as, “Money doesn’t bring us happiness”, and see that as synonymous with “Money is not important”. Now, we know we need money, we know it is important—it is vital for our survival at one end, and it buys us creature comforts and pleasure at the other. But, when we are brainwashed into believing it’s not important, we are then conflicted, and this sends us into a space of guilt because we tend to believe that giving importance to money must mean we’re unspiritual, and “bad”!

Well, to me, the problem with all of this is the impression that ‘happiness’ is synonymous with ‘important’! The implication that these two unrelated words, ‘important’ and ‘happiness’, mean the same is at the root of the confusion. To put everything into perspective, let’s separate the two words by making two different sentences:

* Money is important for our survival

* Happiness is a state of mind needing nothing external

And now let’s keep it this way! Yes, with money, in addition to survival, we may buy relief, comfort, pleasant moments, but these are always transitory, and last until we return to our original state of unhappiness, and then need more money to prop ourselves up, again.

So, to cut the long story short, let us not entangle one with the other, but understand that money is an energy that we exchange for our needs and wants. And again, it’s important to remember that the satisfaction of these needs and wants brings us relief, pleasure, comfort etc. and important as they may be, they don’t bring us happiness.

Happiness always stands alone! And, thank goodness that it does, because otherwise, a person with less money would never know what happiness is!

 

Are you like a chained elephant?

2876391Some years ago, I read an article by Jim Donovan, Speaker and Small Business Coach. In it he wrote about a unique experience, of being backstage at a Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus show. There, he was able to walk around looking at the lions, tigers, giraffes and other circus animals. As he passed the elephants, he stopped, confused by the fact that these huge, magnificent creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at any time, break away from their bonds but for some reason, they did not. He saw a trainer near by and asked why these magnificent animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away.

“Well,” he said, “when they are very young and much smaller, we use the same size rope to tie them, and at that age, it’s enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They think the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free. (The second picture shows a chain around the elephant’s foot but I wasn’t able to find a pic with the rope 😉 — although I have seen them in India, just as described!)

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Jim Donovan wrote he was amazed, But I was in shock, and very saddened, when I read this article. To think of all the people in the world who go through life believing in limitations due to conditioning was too much for me to bear! To actually see that people are taught someone else’s limiting and erroneous beliefs, and brainwashed into thinking that a new way is not even possible is just so tragic!

Jim Donovan continues, “Challenge your own limiting beliefs by questioning them. If you begin to question a belief, you automatically weaken it. It has been said throughout history that whatever you believe with conviction, you can achieve. Don’t be like the poor elephants, and go through life stuck because of a belief handed to you, or which developed years ago. Take charge of your life, and live it to the fullest. You deserve the best!

 

The ‘Gym Where No One Goes’ :)

415649In my twenty years in Canada, during three different years, I took the annual membership in three different gyms — the Y, the Women’s Y, and Energy Cardio and didn’t make more than three visits to any. Hmmm…the number 3 is jinxed for me, it seems, where gyms are concerned :)! Did I feel remorse? Oh, yes…and I was very self-judgemental, telling myself that I was literally throwing money away…at the rate of 45-50 bucks x12, a year. Over time I just got over it, until yesterday when I completely forgave myself, and let go of any residual regret :)!

It happened when a friend came over and told me she saw ‘something very funny on TV’. It was part of a comedy show. And this is how it went:

A man asks his friend, if he had made any new year resolutions. The friend replies, “Well I decided to get fit, and to spend more time with my girlfriend — I didn’t do enough of either of these in the previous year!”

The man asked, “So, what are your plans?”

The friend replied, “A new gym has opened in my neighborhood, called ‘The Gym Where No One Goes’ — I have taken the annual membership for myself and my girlfriend. She and I are going to schedule time to train together, and then, since we WON’T go to our gym, we’ll hang out together and spend some quality time with each other.”

thumbGMMHDYW0Are you scratching your head? I was too :)…until I realized that every gym has members that take membership, and then DON’T go ;)!

So, what did I do, instead? I started taking courses in flamenco dancing, a few times a week. I realized that if there’s no pleasure in it, don’t go to the gym!!! Just look for activities that are fun, and bring pleasure. If you made any fitness goals at the beginning of the year, do stop and think about this…